I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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