I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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