I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
