big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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