If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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