No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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