What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
