it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize