He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
