separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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