The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I will pee on everything he values.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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