Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
