I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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