I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize