she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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