i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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