If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Panties = found
Randomize
