She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
