dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
