How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize