Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
