Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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