think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
