so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
