So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
