Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
