I can feel you judging me through the phone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
