When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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