apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
