Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
