I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize