My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
