Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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