I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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