I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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