Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
