he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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