that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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