we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
