We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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