Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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