I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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