I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
