If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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