My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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