just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
