Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
