I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
