I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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