Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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