Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
