Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
