There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
