P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
