My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
