She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize