Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
