I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
