i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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