I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
