It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
