when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
